Look Ma!

This post is really for my mom, who thinks she didn't teach me how to sew. She managed to get Holly and me to make cheesy pre-printed teddy bears when we were young, but our attention spans and hers fizzled out shortly after. My interest in sewing appeared again briefly, long enough for me to pass Home Ec. and make two pair of boxer shorts, which were totally cool to wear in the 90s.

So when our church branch in Sutherland decided to make rag quilts, I blew the dust off the old sewing machine and gave it a shot. The rag quilt turned out beautifully, but my very old sewing machine died in the process. I got a new one a few weeks ago and finally finished my first real sewing project. Ta-dah!

My first dress for Eliza! This was a ton of fun, so I'm thinking she'll be getting a few dresses for Christmas. I still think it needs a little something. I'm thinking two or three decorative buttons on the side of the collar.

I even did the zipper all by myself. So what if I had to read the instructions forty times...

Yes, this is a total brag post. Sorry. I couldn't resist.

Funny Things My Children Say and Do

I have an entire journal devoted to funny things my children say and do. I got the idea from my cousin Michelle, and I'm very glad she gave it to me. Although my children are still small and the journal is largely unfilled, I thought I would share some recent gems. Because kids are hilarious.

*After his first day at preschool, I asked him what he learned. His reply: "EVERYTHING!" Guess we can skip high school and college.
*Liza won't take a pacifier, except as a chew toy. However, she religiously sucks herself to sleep with her blanket every night.
*My favorite quote from Noah: "People are kinda gross."
*I have had a thing for the movie Tangled lately. Apparently Noah does too because in the living room today, he stacked a few couch cushions together, climbed to the top and, with arms spread wide, shouted/sang "I gotta dweeeeem!!!"
*A few months ago Aaron, Noah and I were sitting around talking on the bed. Noah mentioned something about his "other daddy." I told him that Aaron was his only daddy. Aaron pried a little further and asked who the other daddy was. Noah said, "Stucki." Now wanting to pry even further, Aaron asked where Stucki lived. "In a dirty house." Apparently Mom gets around with a slob named Stucki. It has since become our favorite family joke.

Meet the Mormons

So as we live in the middle of nowhere, not many of my fellow nowhere-ites have ever heard of Mormons. The Sutherland Branch of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is over 100 miles wide, and the branch building is an hour's drive from our teeny town. So the earth is salted very sparingly in this particular corner.

As such, I thought it might be helpful to some of my friends who may be wondering about my beliefs. Www.mormon.org is as good a primer on The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (aka the Mormon Church) as any, but I figured I might create a Reader's Digest version, and dispel a few myths I've run into while I'm at it. If you have ascribed to any of these myths in the past, don't sweat it. You're not alone. And we're not offended. :-)
___________________________________________________________
Who we are...
We are the members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We call ourselves saints (in the non-Catholic sense of the word), members, Mormons, the church, or LDS for short.

As you might guess from the name of the church, we are Christians. We believe in Jesus Christ as our savior and the redeemer of the world. We believe that he suffered for the sins of mankind in the Garden of Gethsemane and died on the cross that all mankind may be saved through obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel (faith, baptism, repentance for one's sins, etc.). I think people get hung up on this one because we believe that God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost are three separate, distinct beings, but one in purpose - the Godhead. Many other Christian denominations believe in the Trinity, which was adopted as a Christian doctrine by the Nicean creed several hundred years after Christ.

So yes, we believe in the Bible and in Jesus Christ. We believe that our church is the same church that He organized when he was on the earth, with prophets, apostles, pastors (we call them bishops), teachers, and so on.

We are also big into some funny things, most of which are not doctrinal: funeral potatoes, green jello salad (with or without shredded carrots), quilting, crafting, food storage, mommy blogs, scout camp, CTR rings, pouffy hair, bad driving, mission stories, family history, pioneer reenactments, home party businesses, and scrapbooking.

Who we are not...
We are not Amish or Mennonites (though we like them both, and we have been known to do barn-raising type of stuff). We do believe in dressing modestly, however, and I think that may be where some of the confusion lies. The restoration of our church in the 1800s took place in the eastern U.S., which I think is where the others originated, which may be point of confusion.

We are not Jehovah's Witnesses (but we like them too). We do send out missionaries - you can tell ours by the black tags. But we're cool with birthdays and parties and stuff. Just no alcohol. Or drugs or coffee or tea. Chocolate is okay (thank heaven).

Though we do not condone homosexuality, we are not gay-haters.

We are not polygamists. No, Big Love is not true to life. Sorry - Mom was right. You can't believe everything you see on TV. As in the Bible, polygamy in the church was a brief, limited practice, but it ended in the late 1800s. (C'mon guys. That was soooo two centuries ago). Rule of thumb: if you see a news article or story about Mormons and there's polygamy involved, unless is was published in 1860-something, it's safe to assume it's actually talking about a fundamentalist off-shoot group or something.

We are not a cult. I seriously have no idea where this one comes from. Each church member and each of those looking to become church members is encouraged to pray and study the scriptures and the principles of the gospel, and to ask God to gain a personal witness of their truth.

We are not perfect. We are mortals and we all make mistakes. Some of us have prejudices. We are not nice all the time. We offend people sometimes. Some of us struggle with the standards we believe in. And we all wish we were doing a little better to represent Christ.

We don't have horns. Again, I seriously don't know where this one comes from. Some of these make me laugh.

What we believe...
Volumes could contain this one, but here's a start. We believe that God created the earth so that us, his spirit children, could gain physical bodies and experience the tests, trials, and triumphs of mortality. He wants us to learn to love and serve each other, and ultimately return to live with him one day.

He sent us to families to help serve this purpose. We believe that through ordinances in holy temples, families can receive divine instruction and be sealed so that their relationships will be perpetuated beyond the grave. Families CAN be together forever.

In the temples, we do vicarious ordinances for those that have died so they can choose to have these blessings if they accept the gospel after death. Please note that we do not dig up corpses and baptize them (yuck). Ordinances are done by a living proxy in the name of the deceased. (That's why we're so big on family history and genealogy.) The deceased person can accept or reject the ordinances done for him or her. Through this work, those that have died without a chance to hear the gospel of Christ will have a chance to accept it and be redeemed from their sins.

We believe in trying to better ourselves and encourage and help each other. We have several auxiliary organizations that accomplish this aim, including the Relief Society, humanitarian aid, the church welfare program, the Perpetual Education Fund, and others.

We believe in living prophets and apostles, just like Jesus appointed in his day. We trace the authority they have (the priesthood) back to Joseph Smith, who received it from John the Baptist, and Peter, James, and John, who received it from Christ. We believe that the priesthood is the authority to act in God's name.

Speaking of Joseph Smith, we believe that he was the first prophet in these modern times. When he was about 14, he (like many of us have been at some point) was confused on the subject of religion and wanted to know which of all the doctrines were true and which church to join. He prayed to God to know, and God and Jesus Christ appeared to him and told him that none of the churches on the earth at the time had the full gospel. Through subsequent revelations and visions, God restored His church and authority to the earth through Joseph Smith and others who helped him.

We do not worship Joseph Smith. He did many great and marvelous things. He translated the Book of Mormon (a book of scripture from the American continent comparable and complementary to the Bible), and he was a prophet chosen of God, but he was a mortal man. So, too, are the prophets today - wonderful, mortal men called of God to lead his church and reveal His will to His children, which is affirmed by the testimony of the Holy Ghost in each of us.

____________________________________________________________
Wow, that got long. But it doesn't even scratch the surface. I am so blessed to belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Our teachings seem old-fashioned and even crazy to some, but I know they are true and that they bring happiness to those that live them. The older I get, the more evident that is to me.

If anyone has any questions about this, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or anything else, feel free to contact me or browse the www.mormon.org website.

The Jobbie Awards

My sister Holly and I were talking about what we wanted at our funerals the other day (morbid, I know). I told her that her job was to be the comedy relief for the funeral and tell people my quirky, funny stories. She said she would start with all the random jobs I've had. So I'm dubbing this post the Jobby Awards. Here goes.

Worst jobs:

1st place: My 8-hour stint of telemarketing. I felt like I'd sold my soul to make a buck. Especially when one of my victims said she couldn't attend the seminar I was touting because she was having chemotherapy that day. Boy, did I ever feel like a dog.

2nd place: minion for Propel Media. I was supposed to be helping them with webinars and SEO. I turned out to be a data entry peon that they didn't even take the time to train. They didn't seem to like me at all, and the feeling was mutual. We went our separate ways after about 2 weeks. To put it in perspective, when I got hired on at the laundromat a month later, I felt like I'd died and gone to heaven.

3rd place: In an effort to regain my soul from telemarketing, I told the temp agency to find me another job, which they did. I worked picking product in a warehouse for a vitamin supplement company. It was pretty much 8 hours a day of walking, which did keep me in great shape. But the boss was a jerk, and it wasn't the most intellectually stimulating job.

Most random jobs:

1st place: Reptile handler at a life science museum
2nd place: R&D minion for Hot Pockets
3rd place: Freelance writer on the subject of liposuction


Favorite job:

1st place is tied between reptile handler and reports editor for KLAS Enterprises

Other random places I've worked/things I've done:

*sign dancer
*florist shop worker
*packager at a drill bit factory
*eBay seller
*dry cleaners
*laundromat
*Schlotzsky's Deli
*Tokyo Joe's (fast food japanese)
*day camp counselor
*data entry
*transcriber for Southern Paiute (a Native American language) legends
*conference planner
*dish washer
*whiskey packager (at a place that made cochlear implants, no less)
*administrative assistant
*internal education program coordinator

...and those are just the ones I got paid for. What are some of the random jobs you've had?

You know you live in a small town when...

I've been formulating this post in my mind for a while. I think I may have to do it in installments, so look for forthcoming editions. The country folk that read my blog won't find this nearly as entertaining as the city folk that do. But as I am now a transplant/hybrid of the two, I think it's hilarious. And yes, all of these have been/are true of one or more of the dinky towns we've lived in in the past year and a half.

You know you live in a small town when...

...there are more thrift stores than grocery stores
...it is 70 miles to the nearest Walmart
...the lady from the post office remembers where you were sending that package you asked her about three days ago
...you can walk from one end of town to the other in less than an hour
...the only grocery store is only open until 6 pm
...the courthouse, fire department, and town hall are the same building
...your town has to petition the state to retain its status as a city because it's the biggest town in the county
...the tallest building in town is a grain bin
...your branch is 100 miles wide, and you have church in a different time zone
...nobody knows the real names of the roads. They are referred to as "the road by Pizza Hut" or "the road with the car dealerships"
...the town was elated because they actually put in a Subway
...the fact that you visited your grandma or moved into town made the local paper
...if you're not a fan putting a funeral notice in the paper, you can just stick a note on the door of the post office
...you live in town, and you still have to get a PO box

Buns and Guacamole Guns

I was going through our file box and I dug up an old project I did for a creative writing class. It makes me laugh every time I read it, so I figured I'd post it for a pick-me-up on a gloomy day. Enjoy!

Buns and Guacamole Guns: The Wonderful and Misunderstood World of Fast Food

I've heard several people tell me that they don't ever want to work in food service. The excuses given for this aversion vary, but the general underlying reason is implied as "I'm too good to work fast food." Not that I could ever voice that conclusion out loud without getting an earful of protest, of course. For some reason, fast food has a bad reputation of baseness and a lack of dignity and refinement.

At fifteen, I had the same mindset. Someone out there was bound to recognize that although I needed a work permit with a parental signature, I was really much more mature and skilled than just any fifteen-year old. Surely there was a job I could get that didn't involve flipping burgers or frying chicken. After several weeks of inquiring in store after store in strip mall after strip mall, I got hired on at the local dry cleaners. I was elated - it actually paid above minimum wage (by fifteen cents), I had Sundays off, and I didn't have to ask if you wanted fries with your order. My teenage pride, swollen from avoiding the food industry at my first job, overshadowed the pit stains, dust, dingy lighting, and ubiquitous smell of starch and B.O.

The next summer, I was not so lucky. In April, I went back to the strip malls to look for another job, but as before, my skills and maturity somehow seemed undervalued. I heard my best friend Megan had a job at the new sandwich shop that was opening up on Broadway. She said that three or four of our other friends had been hired there too, and wouldn't it be so much fun if we could work together all summer? I wouldn't have hesitated a second in giving her my usual line about the food service industry if she hadn't told me how much she was making. It's amazing the amount of pride people sacrifice for money.

The next few weeks found me in an ugly, oversized polo and a matching flesh-colored ball cap, training to be a cashier at Schlotzsky's Deli. The polos became more of a blow to my ego as they got to be varying degrees of khakiness with every wash and mustard stain. But once I got over the hideous uniforms, I began to discover the hidden and under appreciated world behind the cash register.

You'd think that one of the major benefits to working in food service would be eating the food. I thought the same thing when I started working at the deli. I soon discovered that this is a myth for the most part. Sure there are messed up sandwiches every once in a while, or cheesed bun halves (if you're lucky), and as much free soda as you can drink, but those are small consolation for eight-hour work days. No, the greatest perk about the food in the food industry is playing with it. 

The greatest fun to be had int he back of a restaurant is found in tricks or games played with whatever you're supposed to be cooking, baking, or selling. My personal favorite was Jenny's discovery that if you squirt garlic butter onto the toaster oven belt, it gives off a bluish haze and makes the kitchen small like a Chinese restaurant for a good fifteen minutes. Eating jalapenos to induce hiccups and warring with guacamole guns were additional sources of endless entertainment on slow weekday afternoons. Once we exhausted those options, we turned to bread.

Schlotzky's Deli owes a great deal of its popularity to its bread. Rosalina and Juanita got there early every morning to bake it fresh. The savory scents of sourdough, jalapeno, and rye that wafted around the block were by far our best marketing strategy. The most popular variety was a spongy sourdough with sesame seeds baked about an inch high in a round pan. In the mornings, we sliced the buns, put the shredded cheese on, stacked them on huge metal trays, and covered them with plastic for easy use during lunch rushes. The fun started when one side of the bun fell on to the floor. If the fallen half was pre-cheesed, but lonesome half made for an excellent snack. If not, both halves made for excellent Frisbees. Dropped pizza crusts flew just as well, if not better. In any case, waiting until the manager's back was turned was vital to maximum enjoyment.

Unfortunately, food service isn't all fun and games; on rare occasions, there is work to do, which may explain why food service is generally avoided as an industry. One major complaint about food service is the cleaning involved. Cleaning your oven or bathroom once in a while at home is a chore, so cleaning an oven or bathroom every day that has been much more trafficked sounds like an absolute pain in the neck. This assumption is true, to a certain extent. I cannot say that I enjoyed sweeping up the little bits of shriveled lettuce that dropped from the tables and stuck endlessly to the broom. I cannot say that scrubbing the inside of the walk-in freezer when all you're wearing is an ugly, oversized polo and a matching flesh-colored ball cap is pleasant either. What I will say is that if you can manage to look past the dust balls and sticky soda spills, you will find a world of opportunity.

Take, for instance, a simple sanitizer rag. According to FDA regulations, the rags you wipe down tables and counters with in restaurants have to contain a certain percent of sanitizing solution. On the one hand, the solution the rags soak in chaps the hands and offends the nose. If the tables and counters  have been sufficiently and recently cleaned, the acrid smell of something between vinegar and bleach pervades the entire restaurant. On the other hand, there is no tool more useful in flirting than a wet sanitizer rag. Proper usage of sanitizer rags may be summed up in the following steps:

1. Drain the rag to a decent degree of dampness. Do not over-drain or your rag will not snap. Do not under-drain, or your rag will splash you in the eyes with sanitizer.
2. Take opposite corners of the rag in either hand and twist the rag into a tube-like shape. The tighter the rag, the more pain you will incur on your victim. 
3. Snap or flick the rag in the general direction of your flirting target with desired degree of vigor. Aim for legs, arms, back, and/or rump. Add a giggle, laugh, smirk, or witty one-liner for maximum effect.
4. Watch for the return snap from your flirting target. Repeat steps as necessary.

I have found these steps to be incredibly effective. If followed correctly, they result in hours of late-night entertainment, a small audience of Amish tourists on vacation, bragging rights from various battle scars and bruises, and, if you're really good, a date to Senior Homecoming.

Despite my discoveries in the wonderful world of food service, I continue to hear boasts in disguise of "I'm too skilled, mature, experienced, or other adjective for the food service industry." to that engorged teenage sentiment I reply, "Take your desk job and your coffee mug. I'll keep my sanitizer rags and guacamole gun." It appears that the world's best kept secret might remain hidden behind cash registers and ugly, oversized polos a while longer.

Dillusions of Grandeur

I get these all the time. My most recent one is that I can sew. I found this, but it's $200, which is just a smidge out of my price range at the moment. Plus, I want it to have sleeves, a higher neck line, and be a more interesting color than cream, as that's the color of my skin already. I want something stretchy and comfy and cute for the summer; a dress I can just throw on, add flip-flops and a necklace to and be ready to go. So I found this (which needs better sleeves and this(which needs a higher back, and maybe different sleeves). ::Sigh:: Can I really get a dress like this? Maybe it's time to call my mom...

For Now

I have been remiss on my blogging efforts - apologies to all. Our Internet reception is patchy up here since we don't have our antenna hooked up yet.

Things are gradually falling into place. We haven't gotten everything figured out yet, and we're still thinking about piracy in Tahiti, but grad school at BYU is looking more and more likely. Penn State has fallen out of the race, but SUNY ESF in Syracuse is back on the radar. BYU still has the clear lead with likely funding sources and two cooperative (though temporarily elusive) professors. Keep on praying for us!

As for the here and now, Aaron is working with his dad's business, North East Well Water. They basically take ultrasounds of the earth to find aquifers before people drill wells so they don't have to (literally) throw thousands of dollars down a dry hole. So if you know of anyone that needs a well east of the Mississippi, drop us a line. Aaron's just working on a per-job basis, so it's a little unpredictable. However, we have been working a little bit behind the scenes to get a little more marketing out on the Internet and things. I'm hoping to get some search engine optimization juju going on soon.

Aaron is also helping Eddie and Dad rebuild the sap house in anticipation of making maple syrup this year. Things are looking promising there. I am looking forward to a lot of pancakes in March...

As for me and myself, I have been attempting to keep Noah out of trouble, which seems to get harder as he gets older. He understands more, but his little hands want to explore more too. He gets into ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING! He absolutely loves it here, from the cats on the front porch to his cousins to the snow, he's in hog heaven. He knows the word "hot" very well from our wood stove; thankfully he learned it without having to burn himself. He has also learned "deer" (go figure) and "teeth" and "turtle." I also got him to say "cheese" today. He knows "Jesus" really well too, which melts my heart.

As of Friday, I'll be a working woman again. I'm going to be an office assistant at a search engine optimization company in Schenectady. I'm not thrilled about the job title, but I am thrilled about the prospect of learning that industry. I think it will do great things for my writing and for North East Well Water also. I'm also writing online articles on liposuction, which you can view here. Not my passion in life, but it's a start.

That about sums it up for us, for now. More interesting stories and pictures once we get reliable Internet service for our desktop.

12 Days of NY Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas my in-laws gave to me...

12 dozen cookies (yes you read that right)
11 hyperactive nieces and nephews
10 degree weather (plus a hefty wind chill)
9 months here
8 gray hairs
7 days of house-sitting with an Italian mastiff
6 weeks of work for Aaron harvesting maple syrup
5 minutes of peace and quiet
4 stray cats
3 small miracles (found wallet, saving the house from burning down, and cheap fix for Dad's truck)
2 wood-burning stoves
1 real live Christmas tree

Ok, so the numbers don't really match. I actually have 13 hyperactive nieces and nephews, but that doesn't fit with the Christmas tradition too well.

The highlights to this week have definitely been the house almost burning down, the pot-smoking, ranting previous tenant in our house, the frickin' freezing weather, our four new cats, and shooting the two bulls on Sunday because they were too big and stupid to move back into their pasture. I guess the cold weather renders the electric fence useless. Go figure. It renders almost everything else useless, including most of my digits. For you New Yorkers reading my blog, the meat is for sale for $2 a pound.

This first week has definitely been a challenge, but I am learning to appreciate rural life and to expect the unexpected (like stupid bulls). The silver linings are my sweet in-laws, the gorgeous landscape, a white Christmas, and a pot-free house all to ourselves with a romantic "fireplace" and an infinitely large area for gardening. I hope to have tomatoes and beans coming out my ears by July.

Pancakes and Scrap Metal

(Doesn't that sound like the name of a hard-core rock band?) Per Jenifer's request, here is my oatmeal spice pancake recipe. It's a knock-off of Betty Crocker's pancakes, only way healthier and way tastier.

1 large egg
3/4 cup all-purpose flour (you could probably do whole wheat if you wanted, though I haven't tried)
1/2 cup rolled oats
3/4 cup milk
1 Tbs. sugar
2 Tbs. applesauce (or oil)
3 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
2/3 cup chopped walnuts (optional)
cinnamon, nutmeg, and a dash of cloves to taste (I don't measure these, but I'd guess about 1 Tbs. of cinnamon, 1/2 tsp. nutmeg, and 1/8 tsp. cloves.)

Beat egg in large bowl until fluffy. Add everything else and mix until combined. Fry 'em up on a well-greased griddle on medium-high heat. You can feel better about this because you didn't put any oil in the recipe. Serve with real maple syrup.

On a different note, the whole couponing class thing has not been nearly as fruitful as I had anticipated, and I got laid off from my babysitting job, leaving me to other employment pursuits. As we are probably leaving the state at Christmas, that leaves me very few normal part-time job opportunities.

So my neighbor and I decided to form our own business. We are in scrounge-KSL-and-craigslist-and-freecycle-for-scrap-metal-to-recycle business. We call it Junk in the Trunk Recycling. Fortunately, this requires zero overhead, and I already have the only hardware we need in our cursedly big monster truck. It also requires zero upstart capital since everyone gives us the stuff for free and is usually glad to have us haul it off. However, as with any investment, very little risk yields very little returns. The pay kinda stinks. But I made a potentially lucrative discovery today - we can strip the plastic off of all the copper wire on appliance cords and get way more than just leaving them on the appliance. Copper is about 100 times more valuable than steel or tin.

So if any of you P-town denziens have old metal junk for us to haul off in our trunk, please give me a call or email us at junkinthetrunkprovo@yahoo.com. One man's junk is another man's treasure.

A Step in the Right Direction

Our unofficial plans for our life have not gotten any more official yet, but we have definitely taken a step in the right direction. We at least have plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and after that, one of five things will happen:

1. We'll stay here and go to the Y.
2. We'll go to grad school at SUNY ESF in NY.
3. We'll go to grad school at the University of Tennessee.
4. We'll go to grad school at Mississippi State University.
5. We won't get accepted anywhere and we'll end up becoming pirates in Tahiti.

Aaron has convinced me that the 5th option is the least likely, partly because of the economy (everyone has sold all their gold, so there's less booty to plunder) and partly because he is kicking trash on all of his tests this semester so somebody is bound to accept him somewhere.

Applications are all submitted, so we'll keep you all posted. Feel free to comment and vote for your favorite option.

Our Pets

Meet Vlad, Aaron's new pet praying mantis. I told Aaron that if I had to keep a praying mantis in the house, then I got to name him. He's a fairly well-behaved pet. He dines on moths, cockroaches, spiders, and grubs; however, he seems to have an aversion to box elder bugs.

And this is Durfey. He's named after the dry cleaners on 9th East. We adopted Durfey in July when our friends Blake and Liesel decided to ditch out on us for law school in Virginia. Apparently beta fish don't do so well on road trips.

He's actually got a fairly outgoing personality, for a fish. He puffs up at you when you approach his bowl. I'm not sure whether that's "Hello and how do you do?" or "Get the heck away from my bowl, punk!" Sometimes he pretends to be a shark and he stalks and dives ferociously after his plankton pellets.

Vlad and Durfey are not the most exotic pets, but they make life a little more interesting. And they can fly under the landlord radar.

Dognappers - a (mostly) true story

So there I was on the neighbor's doorstep with my baby in one hand and a ransom note in the other. The three Shitzus that had been entrusted to my care were gone - taken by the Dognappers. Oh sure, the note looked legit. It had the seal of the P-town police department; it said the dogs had been impounded by the cops for disturbing the peace, but as a super sleuth I knew the truth. The Dognappers had taken the precious pups.

I called down to the animal shelter where the fiends had the dogs were imprisoned. They said I'd better pay the ransom or the dogs would have an appointment with the front tires of a 16-wheeler after getting neutered and vaccinated for rabies. I told them that threats from Dognappers don't scare super sleuths.

I drove straight down to the shelter and, using my super sleuth skills, disguised myself as a guinea pig and broke in. I found the Shitzus and broke open their cell using a paper clip, a watch battery, and a stick of dynamite. Once I freed the dogs, I squished them into a pet carrier and we all hitched a ride home in the garbage truck. Hooray! Free from the Dognappers! Or so we thought...

Unbeknownst to me, while the pups were at the pound, the Dognappers implanted computer chips in the dogs' brains so that they could control their minds. The Dognappers also had evil henchmen staking our our street. The instant we arrived home, the pet carrier broke open and the evil henchmen used their computers to make the dogs scatter.

And just when I thought all hope was lost, my heroic husband chased down the pups, extracted the computer chips (after sedating the dogs, of course), and returned them home.

The End.

Chinese Restaurant

Aaron and I have an ongoing discussion about Chinese restaurants. There is a finite list of about 30 words that can show up in the name of a Chinese restaurant. The list includes words like dragon, jade, palace, garden, wok, China, lotus, fortune, lantern, lily, etc. Think about all the Chinese restaurants you know the names of; chances are, there are at least three that include one of the words I just listed (especially if you live in P-town).

Name your own Chinese restaurant here:

Birth month

January - Jade
February - Lotus
March - China
April - Pearl
May - Golden
June - Shanghai
July - Peking
August - Wonton
September - Asian
October - Oriental
November - Lucky
December - Emperor's

Birthday

1 - Garden
2 - Wok
3 - Palace
4 - Lantern
5 - Bowl
6 - Kitchen
7 - Dragon
8 - House
9 - Village
10 - Mountain
11 - Cafe
12 - Ocean
13 - Lily
14 - Flower
15 - Buffet
16 - Sea
17 - House
18 - Wall
19 - Panda
20 - Moon
21 - Dynasty
22 - City
23 - Cuisine
24 - Boat
25 - Bistro
26 - Fortune
27 - Seafood
28 - Noodle
29 - King
30 - Phoenix
31 - Express

The Gods are Angry

I'm not sure how, but it seems that I have angered the technology gods. In the last 6 months, my computer charger, 2 digital cameras, computer AC port, DVD player, truck, and Aaron's telemetry unit have all died or been severely injured. Even Aaron's cell phone and GPS unit had a brush with death in a creek up Nephi Canyon. I think I might have to sacrifice some old cell phone chargers on an alter or something to get my electronic life back, since those are the only things that haven't died yet.

So given the dismemberment of my computer charger and the comatose state of my digital cameras, my blogging capabilities are greatly impaired. However, as books without pictures have known to be entertaining, perhaps it's possible that people will still read my blog, even if I don't have cute pictures of my munchkin to put up.

Life in P-town is crazy as usual. Aaron is still chasing turkeys, and seems to be chasing a bear as well. He ran into one three times on Tuesday after trying to track a mortality signal. We think the bear ate the turkey—radio collar and all. Needless to say, Aaron is no longer tracking that particular radio signal, and his wife now insists that he carry his gun with him at all times.

Noah is growing like a weed—a very heavy weed. He's getting taller and now that he's learned to crawl, he's shedding a good deal of baby fat in exchange for muscle, making him very difficult to carry. I know I'll eventually take back any wish I had for him to walk, but it sure would be nice not to carry him. He can pull himself up on the furniture now, though he hasn't figured out how to get down yet (aside from crying until somebody picks him up). He walks really well while holding onto your fingers. I think we're probably only a month away from full-fledged walking.

As for me and my bad self, I am in the process of quitting my job. Yes, it is actually quite a process; though I suppose it's a compliment that my boss was dragging his feet in hiring a replacement for me. It looks like I'll be working until the end of June to tie up loose ends and train the new editor. In the meantime, I'm looking for freelance writing and editing work and any job that will let me work from home, bring Noah, or work early in the morning or late at night. So if anyone has any job leads, please send them my way.

The Rice Krispie Treat Incident

I know that "Rice Krispie Treat" and "incident" don't usually make it into the same sentence together, but for this afternoon, I'll make an exception.

So there I was in my kitchen, sauteing some squash with garlic for lunch. Little did I know I should have stopped at the garlic. But no - my sweet tooth got the better of me. Hmm....what is there to make? No flour, so that rules out cookies, brownies, cake, and just about anything else that falls under the dessert category. I could try chocolate milk, but that doesn't quite hit the spot. No peanut butter for no-bakes....

And then, there it was, sitting innocently next to the microwave - a brand new box of Rice Krispies. I popped in another forkful of squash and perused the back of the box. Po the Kung Fu Panda was advertising Rice Krispie Treats in the shape of his own head (which is kind of morbid, now that I write that down). I didn't have vanilla frosting or black food dye to make my dessert into a martial arts master, but no matter - Rice Krispie Treats could probably satiate my sweet tooth anyway.

I hadn't make Rice Krispie Treats since my childhood, so I checked to make sure I had all the ingredients:

Rice Krispies? Check (duh).
Butter? Check.
Mini marshmallows? Check. I don't have any flour, but I somehow manage to have a full, unopened bag of minimarshmallows in the pantry. Go figure.
Kung Fu moves? Check.

Good - all set.

After another mouthful of squash, I consulted the box for the recipe. The first one my eyes fell on was a microwave recipe. Awesome - microwave is my middle name! I cut off three tablespoons of my frozen stick of butter and put it in a giant bowl, along with four cups of mini marshmallows. The box says "Microwave on high for three minutes, stirring after two minutes." So I nuke the bowl and down the rest of my squash.

Two minutes later, I opened the microwave to find a ballooning mound of marshmallow. As I stirred it with a spatula, it deflated, revealing the still-unmelted butter at the bottom of the bowl. Hm...well, it will probably melt in the next minute, right? I gave the mixture another stir and discovered that a bunch of marshmallow goo had hardened on the edge of the spatula. In the time it took to free the rubbery goo, the rest of the mixture was beginning to harden. Better get it back into the microwave, quick - start!

At the end of three minutes, I had what looked more like a ballooned, congealed blob of marshmallow dough. Fearing that it would harden more, I dumped in the 6 cups of Rice Krispies and stirred the mass quickly. The addition of the Rice Krispies did nothing for the blob, as some of them clung to the outside of it, but most couldn't even touch the quickly hardening ball of stickiness.

I tried to spread it out in the pan, with some success. I burned my finger, but what I had now vaguely resembled the Rice Krispie Treats of my youth (even though the rubbery crust of marshmallow and the un-marshmallowed Rice Krispies on the bottom of the mixing bowl didn't). Determined to at least savor the fruits of my labor, I cut a piece of Rice Krispie Treat - or should I say Rice Krispie Brick? It was so hard it tore up the roof of my mouth while I was eating it!

"Waste not, want not" is one of my mottos, but I just don't know if there's any way to salvage the cemented breakfast cereal sitting in my 9x13 pan. Maybe I could shellac it and make building blocks for Noah to play with. Or I guess it would make a good bird feeder. I guess this one will just go right beside the Double-Butter Cookies and the Baking-Soda-Instead-Of-Baking-Powder-Metallic-Tasting Cornbread incidents in the Jenni's Cooking Blunders Hall of Fame. Thanks a lot, Kellogg's.

The moral of the story: Don't trust a fictional panda to give you a microwaved dessert recipe, even if he can do Kung Fu. Stick to squash.

Create!

My Aunt Shannon forwarded me this in an email. I usually scoff at and delete forwards without reading them, but this one really inspired me. I figure if it's got Elder Uchtdorf in it, it must be worth looking at, right?

The talk this was taken from truly inspired me. On the one hand, the small amount of time I spend on creative things often daunts me and leads me down a spiral of self-criticism for not making time for myself, not cultivating my talents, and so on, until I collapse in an uncreative, exhausted heap on my living room floor and spend yet another night on Facebook. However, I doubt that's what Elder Uchtdorf had in mind.

On the other hand, he's totally right - everyone is creative. I remember thinking similar thoughts when I tried to convince a discouraged teenage sister of mine that yes, she was indeed creative. She has since discovered scrapbooking and no longer needs any convincing. But creative does not necessarily mean artistic or musical or eloquent. Creative means you can create things - all sorts of things. Smiles, children, cleanliness, friendships, organization, peace, consolation, patience, habits, flowers, compliments, faith, hope, encouragement, laughter, testimonies - all these things need creating, perhaps even more so than songs or paintings. One of my favorite quotes that I posted on my wall in college encompasses a lot of what Elder Uchtdorf is talking about:

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

~Bessie Andersen Stanley (often misattributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson)

One of the chief reasons I scoff at and delete forwards before I read them is because they contain rants that just make me feel angry or guilty without any invitation to do anything about what I've just read. So, if you've actually read to the end of this very long post, congratulations - now get off my blog and go create something!

Things I've Done

The rules: bold anything you have done.

1. Started your own blog - um, duh
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (JCAHO and the Feds, thanks to Angie)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a Praying Mantis - a dead one. I helped Liesel pin lots of bugs for her entomology class once...
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch - I consider motherhood, parking an F-250, and blogging all arts
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Been to the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa at the Louvre
20. Slept on an train - I have a funny train story. Ask me about it sometime...
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill - Mom used to sign me out of school so I could babysit my brother sometimes. I loved those days...
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping - you'll notice that this one is no longer on my list of things to do before I die at the right
27. Run a Marathon - I'm going for a half in April!
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice - I got Haagen-Daas and watched the gondolas glide down the fake river in the Venetian in Vegas - does that count?
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - who hasn't?
31. Hit a home run - I wish...
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person - Aaron promised he'd take me next time we go to NY.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - well, Grandma B was born in Holden, UT. So I guess so.
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - as long as we're in the black, I think that's enough
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing - I would every day if I could
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David - lots of pictures, not yet in person
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight - It was actually a really depressing experience.
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person - someday...
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling - I love to snorkel!
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud (and got in big trouble afterward)
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie - my cousin Richard's home movie about the bar getting held up (which was actually Grandma's basement. The guts of the old pinball machine were the safe, and I got to be the bartender dressed in a Mu-mu.) It's a classic.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business - lemonade stand totally counts. And my sisters and I would barter and buy each other's knicknacks when we were kids.
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia - Ya lublyu tebya, Rossii! Kogdata ya vergnuyuc k tebye!!
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies - Samoas are my favorite!
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma - I managed blood once, but I get really woozy every time I try.
65. Gone sky diving - No way. Jumping out of a plane for recreational purposes doesn't strike me as sane.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check - luckily not recently
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar - it wasn't as bad as I thought. The Russians like it.
72. Tied a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job - almost, but not quite
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a Bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle - again, I have my cousin Richard to thank for this one...
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book - someday...
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car - micro machines!
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper - I think I was in the Highlands Ranch Herald a few times...
85. Read the entire Bible (not quite - close)
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (fish)
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life - Nat claims I saved her life by pulling her out from the undertoe in Hawaii. And Aaron says he'd have no life without me...
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous - Dallin H. Oaks
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit (well, kinda. I dug up potential evidence for a potential law suit...)
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Visited Italy

Blog Comments

I was whining to Aaron the other day about how even though I've repented of my blogless ways, no one was leaving any comments for my blog posts. I've found the key to getting comments on your blog. Forget about cute pictures, poems, or interesting stories - post about Obama and Twilight! :-)

Confessions...

I am ashamed to admit it, but a big motivator for me is the desire to not be what I like to call "that girl." When I was a kid, I saw all these teenagers so preoccupied with the way they looked. I didn't want to be "that girl" that wouldn't leave the house without makeup on, that spent hours primping and coiffing every strand of hair. When I was a teenager, I never wanted to be "that girl" that was obsessed with whatever TV or movie star was hot at the time and had Bop posters all over her locker. And recently, I never wanted to be "that girl" that went ga-ga over the oh-so-beautiful-and-ethereal Edward Cullen...

And then the same muse that hit me over the head with the Scrabble sonnet in my last post or the departed spirit of my Grandma Baker, patron saint of all good books, (I'm honestly not sure which) nudged my attentions in the direction of this black book that has been lurking on my shelf ever since the guy at half.com sent it by accident (long story - it was supposed to be Holly's Christmas present last year). I opened it and after a few dozen pages, I was hooked.

For those of you that haven't read it, I will caution you that you can tell that Meyer was not yet a seasoned author when she wrote it; Edward's eyes "smolder" and "his expression is unfathomable" more times than I'd care to recall. However, if you can get past the redundant descriptions of Edward's captivating glory the premise is quite interesting, and she develops the dichotomy between the man in love and the repressed vampire very well. So for those of you that swore you'd never be "that girl" (or guy), if you liked the page-turning addiction of Harry Potter, give Twilight a whirl.